Living in the Past

I have this habit of going to this particular friend’s house every time I feel empty or stressed out. Yep, it is his house not him that I usually run to. In fact, he is always not there every time I needed his place. But his refrigerator is always full with my favorite yummy Finitti and his swimming pool always welcomes me. I so much love that 9 feet pool!

I grew up along the beach and swimming is the only sport I know. I love the sound of flowing water and I love rains. I still go out and play in the rain. I guess that’s the Pisces in me. And I super love raw fish! Thanks to another friend who recently brought me in a Japanese restaurant!

But I am reflecting not on my sliminess. It is just that since I felt so empty yesterday, I visited my favorite swimming pool. And then I was flooded by the wrong things I’ve done in the past- the wrong decisions, the late growth, the sins I’ve left behind, the wasting of opportunities…

I was visited by my ghosts. I started to wonder why did I waste those years… and then I started to feel so disgusted with myself for wasting a lot of things and moments in my life.

Just like I always do, I day dreamt about the opportunity of going back. Back there in elementary school where instead of sulking in to what my lola was telling me, I pushed through with what I wanted. I dreamt of going out to play and I dreamt of using the money I saved to join the boy scout camping. My lola said I was too weak to join the scouting and the kids would just bully me. I remember being so disappointed that I actually threw the 250 peso coin I painstakingly saved.

I dreamt of going back to high school where instead of being a silent little man rebelling against the current trend, I actively expressed myself, joined every sports and every drinking spree by my batch mates. I wanted to go back and be popular…

I dreamt of going 10 years backward so I could deal well with my father and mother and I could take care of my siblings… how I wished I have done so much more for my family…

And the saddest part of that daydreaming is when I wished I could go back and not do all the mistakes I’ve done. I wished I was mature and strong enough to not do all those sins in the past that kept on haunting me until now. I wished I was that innocent man again, freely talking to God without the guilt of sins that I, myself, despised.

Hay naku, not all daydreaming is good. That particular daydreaming made me feel so down that I felt like crying. How could I not do the best in this life? Why have I not maximized my possibilities early on in life? Why have I lived this life with such sins? Why did my life just passed by that fast? Why have I not done anything? Why do I want to go back in the past now?

I got out of the pool, went to my friend’s fridge and out of a habit, took out my favorite Finitti. But I returned it cause I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything at all. I just prepared my self a sangria (juice + wine), washed my self and went out. I walked the street of Katipunan and continued my musings about my wasted life. I didn’t want to go home yet because I was afraid of whatever problem is waiting for me at home again. So I took the LRT and dropped down Cubao. I walked inside gateway and when I got tired of walking, I decided to see a film. With that I could rest for an hour or so before I get a cab to my place. I didn’t know which film to watch. I didn’t care. I just followed one of the lines and bought a ticket.

I found my self sitting in Cinema four and I was ready to doze off. But I could not sleep so I opened my eyes and lo and behold the title of the film I was to watch-

17 AGAIN

I wanted to step out of the cinema haha! The last thing I needed was a corny teenage film! But I was too tired so I decided to just enjoy the air-conditioned cinema house with its cozy chair.

The film turned out to be the very thing I needed. It is a story of a popular high school basketball star who was supposed to get a scholarship for college. He left the basketball court during one of his future-defining game because he learned that his girlfriend was pregnant. He chose to leave everything for his gf. They got married, had two children, spent every year telling his wife in one way or another that had he not married her he could have been to college, and enjoy a better life now. After 20 years, his wife asked for a divorce which he actually didn’t want. He, after all, truly love his wife.

To cut the story short, he was given a chance to be 17 again, he became a classmate to his daughter and a schoolmate to his son. He became closer to his children and saw their problems, which he never realized, as a father. He became a neighbor to his wife and understood everything. I can’t really tell everything about the film but it was really good. It has the same feel good effect as that of “The Pursuit of Happiness.” At the end, at the time when he was to make the same scene of winning a scholarship through a game, he saw his wife leaving the basketball court. Once more, he chose the same decision he made 20 years ago- he left the game and followed his wife. He realized that that decision was the best decision he made in his life. He was just blinded by all the possibilities that are actually not real.

So there. And oh well. Haha! Each to his own experience, right? Funny how God uses just anything to talk to us, to comfort us, and to lead us to realizations. I’ve never felt so good about my past. And I’ve never felt so thankful with this life. I have realized that those decisions are the best decisions I could choose at those moments. And going back, perhaps I’d choose the same. Not that I want to commit the same mistakes, but I have realized that even my darkest sin made me whole. And I cannot be more proud of what I went through in life.

I won’t want to live in the past again. In fact, I will treasure all those things that have happened. And enjoy, to the max, what I have now! Life is good! And it is worth living!

I will forever praise God for everything!