Lenten Reflection on Life and Death

"from ash, you will go back to ash; you will die"

life and death are the biggest mysteries of this world. we did not choose to be born, nor do we choose how to die- not unless we commit suicide, of course.

what do i know about life and death? nothing much but my own experience of it. let me share...

i came from a very dysfunctional family. my father and mother were branded as black sheeps of their own family. not that i believe in black sheeps. black sheep for me is the product, or rather victim, of failed relationships between husbands and wives. so i looked at my parents as victims of their own circumstances. to cut the story short, there is this black sheep impregnating another black sheep at their high school age. the result, dysfunctional family.

my father was imprisoned before i started going to school and my mother abandoned us. i and my siblings were separated, given to the care of our relatives. ate annalyn, my favorite sister, is the only sibling i grew up with. she was my idea of a family. all my dreams included her. she became my security... and perhaps, she regarded me as such too... i adored her- she is the first subject of my love.

tatay went out of the prison during my elementary graduation. ex-convicts are full of hope, they wanted a new life, they wanted to change. after marching with me during my graduation, he took all my sibling and yes, he found my mother too. he wanted to take care of his family again.

and he did...

for a while.

my father learned everything that happened during his stay in jail. he learned how unfaithful his wife was and this changed him. he became a drunkard, always looking for troubles with tambays in our place. worst of all, he forgot about his earlier desire of taking care of his family. my mother became a buttered wife, and we were physically abused too. i hated those years. no, i cursed them. there were times when my sister and i needed to run and hide in the bushes along the river banks. i wasn't able to fight for her, i was 12 years old.

my mother, escapist as she is, left our family again and looked for another husband. i said i'd be strong enough for it. and i think i did. but everything took its toll to the person i love, my ate annalyn started to become sick. her sickness complicated and advanced and finally became leukemia. i dreaded that word- leukemia. it is the scariest term ever in my vocabulary.

but my sister was strong. she was a fighter. we both had to go to clinic everyday for her vaccination. the needle that pricked her hardened arms became her only source of physical strength. she told me everyday not to worry for God won't let her die. her signature laugh, still vivid in my memory, assured me that nothing wrong could happen to her... or i was just looking for even a slightest relief from what she was going through.

i remembered how we loved singing and laughing together. i had a very boyish voice then so we would belt out songs of houston, carrey, dion and others hehe! those were the times when her body allowed her to sit and stand a bit. but those moments had to go every after chemotherapy, then i had to endure looking at her balding head. despite her thin body and pale color, her big eyes- so much like mine, is full of life... and perhaps, hope.

the worst part of her suffering is the fact that she had no family. the only support that could have given her at least a relief, or strength to fight, was the very thing her unlucky life circumstance denied her.. my mother wasn't there although she knew her daughter might die. my father chose to go away for he couldn't stand looking at my sister's sick body. Ate Annalyn was nursed by my tita. it was so hard not to feel her sufferrings. for many times i wished they were mine. i desperately asked God to just spare my sister and give me everything that she had to go through.

it was sweet to take care of her. i treasured those moments. but i felt like dying every time i had to bring her to the toilet because she couldn't do it alone. it was so hard to fight back tears every time i changed her clothes. i didn't want to show her a sad face, i cant afford to let her see my own miseries. the misery of seeing her body wither day after day...

she fought back until the end. she repeatedly told me that she still had to fulfill her dreams. she told me that God would not allow her to die. i begged her to fight too. that i'd die if she'l leave me. i was in third year high school. a part of her body gave up, wasn't strong enough for the medications. and then, she left me... i was never to see her big eyes again, or listen to her songs again, or enjoy her laughter again..

i was totally blank. i didn't believe everything that was happening. until i saw her body in her casket. for a while, i was angry at her telling her "andaya mo 'te, sabi mo walang iwanan..." (hey! you said you won't leave me) ...

i hated God. i hated him for taking away the only person i truly loved. i remembered how every day i told him to give my sister the comfort that could only come from him. i felt like He didn't love me, i felt like i had no God.

one time, since i was studying in a Catholic school, i was forced to attend the First Friday mass sponsored by my school. i wasn't listening to the mass. i repeatedly said that the mass, and everything we believed in, are simply jokes.

i couldn't believe it but during that Mass, i heard (in the most physical way) God telling me that he just answered my prayer. that he just gave my sister the comfort she most needed that could only come from him.

i don't know if i was hallucinating...

or i was just talking to myself...

but i didn't care. for by then, i understood-

my sister isn't dead- she just went home to the Father. and although i wont see her again in this life, she will forever be in my heart. for now, it is better for her to stay with God who loves her more than i do. Indeed, what is death but a reward of God's kingdom, A WELCOME GIFT TO OUR FATHER'S HAND.

going back to our introductory question- what is life and death. obviously, they are GIFTS OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER. and my sister, good as she is, enjoyed those gift. so shall all of us who have faith in Him for He loves us more than we love Him. Amen.