Living in the Past

I have this habit of going to this particular friend’s house every time I feel empty or stressed out. Yep, it is his house not him that I usually run to. In fact, he is always not there every time I needed his place. But his refrigerator is always full with my favorite yummy Finitti and his swimming pool always welcomes me. I so much love that 9 feet pool!

I grew up along the beach and swimming is the only sport I know. I love the sound of flowing water and I love rains. I still go out and play in the rain. I guess that’s the Pisces in me. And I super love raw fish! Thanks to another friend who recently brought me in a Japanese restaurant!

But I am reflecting not on my sliminess. It is just that since I felt so empty yesterday, I visited my favorite swimming pool. And then I was flooded by the wrong things I’ve done in the past- the wrong decisions, the late growth, the sins I’ve left behind, the wasting of opportunities…

I was visited by my ghosts. I started to wonder why did I waste those years… and then I started to feel so disgusted with myself for wasting a lot of things and moments in my life.

Just like I always do, I day dreamt about the opportunity of going back. Back there in elementary school where instead of sulking in to what my lola was telling me, I pushed through with what I wanted. I dreamt of going out to play and I dreamt of using the money I saved to join the boy scout camping. My lola said I was too weak to join the scouting and the kids would just bully me. I remember being so disappointed that I actually threw the 250 peso coin I painstakingly saved.

I dreamt of going back to high school where instead of being a silent little man rebelling against the current trend, I actively expressed myself, joined every sports and every drinking spree by my batch mates. I wanted to go back and be popular…

I dreamt of going 10 years backward so I could deal well with my father and mother and I could take care of my siblings… how I wished I have done so much more for my family…

And the saddest part of that daydreaming is when I wished I could go back and not do all the mistakes I’ve done. I wished I was mature and strong enough to not do all those sins in the past that kept on haunting me until now. I wished I was that innocent man again, freely talking to God without the guilt of sins that I, myself, despised.

Hay naku, not all daydreaming is good. That particular daydreaming made me feel so down that I felt like crying. How could I not do the best in this life? Why have I not maximized my possibilities early on in life? Why have I lived this life with such sins? Why did my life just passed by that fast? Why have I not done anything? Why do I want to go back in the past now?

I got out of the pool, went to my friend’s fridge and out of a habit, took out my favorite Finitti. But I returned it cause I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything at all. I just prepared my self a sangria (juice + wine), washed my self and went out. I walked the street of Katipunan and continued my musings about my wasted life. I didn’t want to go home yet because I was afraid of whatever problem is waiting for me at home again. So I took the LRT and dropped down Cubao. I walked inside gateway and when I got tired of walking, I decided to see a film. With that I could rest for an hour or so before I get a cab to my place. I didn’t know which film to watch. I didn’t care. I just followed one of the lines and bought a ticket.

I found my self sitting in Cinema four and I was ready to doze off. But I could not sleep so I opened my eyes and lo and behold the title of the film I was to watch-

17 AGAIN

I wanted to step out of the cinema haha! The last thing I needed was a corny teenage film! But I was too tired so I decided to just enjoy the air-conditioned cinema house with its cozy chair.

The film turned out to be the very thing I needed. It is a story of a popular high school basketball star who was supposed to get a scholarship for college. He left the basketball court during one of his future-defining game because he learned that his girlfriend was pregnant. He chose to leave everything for his gf. They got married, had two children, spent every year telling his wife in one way or another that had he not married her he could have been to college, and enjoy a better life now. After 20 years, his wife asked for a divorce which he actually didn’t want. He, after all, truly love his wife.

To cut the story short, he was given a chance to be 17 again, he became a classmate to his daughter and a schoolmate to his son. He became closer to his children and saw their problems, which he never realized, as a father. He became a neighbor to his wife and understood everything. I can’t really tell everything about the film but it was really good. It has the same feel good effect as that of “The Pursuit of Happiness.” At the end, at the time when he was to make the same scene of winning a scholarship through a game, he saw his wife leaving the basketball court. Once more, he chose the same decision he made 20 years ago- he left the game and followed his wife. He realized that that decision was the best decision he made in his life. He was just blinded by all the possibilities that are actually not real.

So there. And oh well. Haha! Each to his own experience, right? Funny how God uses just anything to talk to us, to comfort us, and to lead us to realizations. I’ve never felt so good about my past. And I’ve never felt so thankful with this life. I have realized that those decisions are the best decisions I could choose at those moments. And going back, perhaps I’d choose the same. Not that I want to commit the same mistakes, but I have realized that even my darkest sin made me whole. And I cannot be more proud of what I went through in life.

I won’t want to live in the past again. In fact, I will treasure all those things that have happened. And enjoy, to the max, what I have now! Life is good! And it is worth living!

I will forever praise God for everything!

WHEREVER THE WIND BLOWS: A REFLECTION ON GOD'S PROVIDENCE

I have realized that I was such a fickle-minded person when I was in college. Beat this- I finished my first undergrad course from my fourth college school with my fourth course. I do many things and take a lot of shift so often. Indeed, I am such a “spur of the moment” person. I don’t usually follow whatever is written in my diary. I am one of those guys who are just excited about the new look of the “star bucks” diary but never got to really use it. By the world’s standard, I am aimless, restless, always searching for something more or something else that would give meaning to my life. To give you a better picture, I have gone through seven different jobs for the last two years. (One actually nearly sued me for AWOL, but I got a way with it he! he!)
However, my way of life further proved how provident God is. Let me share this experience with you. (This is a promise to a friend who doesn’t understand what happened during my college years, a promise I so much love to fulfill.)
High school would have been so impossible without my uncle who took me as his son. However, his children are growing up and financial obligations kept on knocking his door. I was left on my own. It was nothing new though, I am pretty much used to taking care of my self.
I first enrolled an accountancy course in PSBA (paaralan sa bandang ateneo hehe!) Another uncle, a bachelor, helped in the financing of my studies provided that I wash his clothes, clean his house, run errands etc. But he decided to stop helping me after a semester for reasons I still don’t know up to now. Nevertheless, I was determined to continue my schooling so I looked for jobs. I found no work at first because I was just 16.
I didn’t want to end up a loser. One night, in desperation, I decided to wear a black tight shirt and walk along Quezon Avenue. I said that by whatever means, I have to continue my studies. I was young but already 5’6”, I was never a muscle man but I wasn’t fat. Young and Moreno, with innocent dimples (naks!), I thought many would take me for a good price. Forgive me for bragging some more but yes, I was right.
The moment I took my first walk in that street a shining black van stopped beside me. It wasn’t a place to stop a car so I knew it intended to pick me up. The door opened and I got in. I sat beside a rich-looking matured woman who talked to me and interesting enough, sounded like a real mother to her child.
“hi there, how old are you?”
“sixteen ma’am,” I replied. She talked some more but then I started to shiver. I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was. Tears started to form in my eyes. Then I said, “ma’am, I don’t really do this. It’s just that I needed money for my schooling. Sorry but please let me go now.”
The woman smiled but she must have really liked me because she said, “don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. Relax, ok.” I started to really cry and begged some more. I think I annoyed her for then she agreed to let me go. As soon as I was walking the street again, another car stopped beside me. Its window opened and revealed a man, must be in his late twenty’s
“Pssst! Ok ka ba?”
I ran.
Took a jeepney and went home. In my room, I wept and cursed God for a miserable life.
I stayed home for many days. I was thinking about life and destiny… and if I was really destined to be like my parents… and once again, I said “NO WAY!!!”
I took a bath and tried to get a job once more. An employer took me for a job that taught me how to fool others. I was employed to sell expensive automatic gas leak stopper. We went knocking on doors and doing some demo. We were basically telling people that their house is in danger until they buy our product. A lie. The product has no use at all. Easy money especially if you’re a talker like me… and if you can play with fire to plant fears to people. I was a good sales man but I was never good at ignoring my conscience. I then decided to resign, stop my studies and accept my destiny to be forever miserable. My parents and my elder sister didn’t, or perhaps, had no way of helping me.
But God has a way of catching up with me. My grandmother asked me to take care of her because she went through a serious bone operation. She was asking me to enroll so as not to waste my talents and skills. I declined at first because I lost my interest to study already and I didn’t really think there was a good life waiting for me. She didn’t give up and asked me to try even just a vocational computer course. I didn’t want to disappoint her so I enrolled a computer course. However, I didn’t want her to spend money on me so I took some scholarship grants.
My computer school brought out the active guy in me. I started to gain my interest for studies once again but more importantly, I started to build dreams once more. After finishing the computer course, I enrolled a commerce course at a state university in our place.
This time, I had a list of scholarship grants and I was at the same time working for Jollibee as a store marketing assistant team member. However, my new school introduced activism to me. I became a member of anakbayan and acquired a lot of idealistic ideas. Once more, I didn’t know where to go and what to do with my life. I joined many rallies and our leftist ideas are growing on me. Somehow, it killed any spark of hope in me. Everyone, not just me, is destined to live a miserable life. I wasn’t thinking about finishing a course anymore… or living a successful and happy life.
God didn’t let go of me though. Ironically, I started becoming active in my parish’ youth organization. I felt the need to establish a balance in my life so I befriended some Church people. I became a friend to many priests and many church youth.
One of my friends in our parish is a student of St. Benedict Inst., a special college school run by the Benedictines for those who want to become missionaries. After his annual vacation, I accompanied him to his school. A Benedictine saw me and asked me if I, too, would want to study there. I laughed although I saw the seriousness in her eyes. Why should I want to study there? First, it’s a formation house which means the first rule is obedience, an activist’s lost vocabulary. Second, I have to be confined there until I finish the course (no going out at all except for yearly vacation). Third, the only course offered is Education with English and Theology major (the last course I ever want to have ). Lastly, it was expensive because of the additional fees for boarding and lodging.
I thanked the Benedictine and told her all of my concerns. But she said I shouldn’t waste my chance of visiting their place so she still gave me the entrance examination. The grace of God comes so unexpectedly. I nearly perfected the examination. The Benedictine contacted a prospect benefactor for my studies and I was offered a free education plus allowance plus free board and lodging.
I was still hesitant though but decided to give it a try. After a semester, I didn’t want to continue anymore. The school’s formation confronted all my issues in life and it was so painful. But by God’s grace and with all the advice of my friends, I tried one more semester. I said since I have no inkling of what to do with my life, I might as well just have to surrender it to God. I entertained the thought of allowing Him to lead me to some undiscovered avenues of life.
Then I started to enjoy my new school. It was a formation school but it was co-ed. I disturbed some rules of course hehe! And contributed much to the whitening of the hair of my formators! I enjoyed, most of all, the times when we were sent to some mountains for months to do mission. Then I realized that I almost did not experience many more experiences had I not opened my self to Him.
Some more years and I had the graduation I never thought would ever come to my life. I finished the course with flying colors- I was a cum laude! I was brought to a profound ( a borrowed word from bro. luke) happiness. Just when I thought I would never finish a course, God gave me the best graduation I could ever wish for!
The grace of God did not end there. After my first undergrad, I was to finish further English studies in De La Salle University and another diploma in philosophy at San Beda College. Soon, I will finish my Masteral degree in Clinical Psychology.
He is indeed a God of providence! Nothing stopped Him from providing what I need for a bright future.
It was perhaps a rough and very uncertain college life, but the best for me because it was prepared by no lesser than God Himself! Oh, well, I follow wherever the wind blows, for I trust that in that wind is the Spirit of God. Isn’t life more exciting that way?

The Life That Was: My Birthday Musings

I officially celebrated my birthday on the eve of March 13. All thanks to LNP Alabang. It was great, although I expected it. It also was my first celebrated birthday. Got the “should be celebrated” thing from Theo and Rosa…and they were right. Life is such a great gift from God that it is totally idiotic not to celebrate it. In addition, I received many greetings (from new and old friends) and that started my festive mood. Thanks to all! One friend whom I haven’t heard of for many years (he was then a seminarian, he’s now a priest) called up and actually sang a birthday song for me he! he! Not a macho thing to do but the heck, I nearly shed a tear ha! ha!

I slept over at Theo’s house after the fellowship and we woke up at seven in the morning to do my first work of mercy as a birthday boy- cleaning the house of my super fabulous friend, Rosa! She should be thankful I am not really a writer so I do not have a stack of adjectives to describe her garden. Well, I am actually just scared that she might get angry with me ha ha! (Unthinkable!)

Anyway, let me start my musings there. My life started in the same rabble as that of my friend’s garden. My parents were young and problematic but I knew they wanted to build a beautiful garden they can call their family. Besides, every garden is meant to look good right. I can no longer remember how many times my mother ran away from us but I can still remember how my father asked me why I let her go. Then he would search for her again. I had no inkling about relationships then but I was already proud that my father was romantically sweet. How I wish I inherited that he! he!

My parent’s case is a classical example of people who thought that building a family is the best way to escape from life’s problems. And like most cases, my parents’ newly built family is not made to last. Everything took its toll when my father was imprisoned and my mother left us. Young as I was, I understood that I had to take care of myself and of my siblings. On a positive note, that started my adventures in life!

My father’s mother, (my life’s hero) took care of my sister and me. She took us in Ilocos Sur where she was taking care of my cousins because my aunt was working abroad. That place remains the best place for me. A small beach cove on the west and a range of mountain on the east, I won’t exchange it for Palawan or Boracay! I used to have natural blond hair because I frequented the sea for swimming and for fishing. But my favorite chore was going to the mountain to get firewoods. Not that I was industrious as a kid but there used to be a spot there where I could see the whole town, the beach, the rice fields, the road and our little nipa hut. That grandiose view sort of made me feel good about my self. As if it is telling me that something as grandiose as that is waiting to be unfolded in my life… perhaps, those were the first times when I felt God’s embrace through his creation. My next favorite activity was going to the seashore at night and lie on the sand to look directly at the stars. It was during those times when I built dreams, talked to myself, asked questions and wondered if in the future I could go back in the same spot and congratulate myself for fulfilling every dream that I shared with the stars.

After our own version of the agony in the garden (joke lang hehe! Happily cleaning the garden of Rosa) , Theo and I went back to his house because I pledged to cook spaghetti for the Kids in Sigla. My second work of mercy. The night before that, we bought cheap pasta in Muntinlupa market. Imagine the difference; 1 kilo of pasta in the market is 54 pesos while labeled pasta in big groceries costs 85 pesos up. Revealing the Ilokano in me he! he! Nevertheless, my friends said the spaghetti was good despite its cheap price. Well, I made it a point that LOVE is the main ingredient naks! I was so tired that day until I saw the kids enjoy the spaghetti (I should acknowledge the 1-kilo sweet corn hotdog of Jen, so sweet of her). Then I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to celebrate with them. They looked exactly like me when I was a kid, its just that I was darker and my hair was blond he! he! However, my resemblance with them is not so much on the physical look but on their situation in life. Indeed, I was so much like them…

I started working as early as six years old. My usual day is waking up in the morning, fixing my banig and that of my cousins. We eat breakfast together, but washing the dishes was mine alone. My first taste of injustice he! he! Then I would go to a tobacco factory to work. (or sell merienda in our plaza or be in-charge of our sari-sari store.) The job was simple, I only had to separate first grade tobacco leaves from rejects. I felt bad about the rejects because they were thrown away. I didn’t understand why there had to be rejects when all of them went through the same process. Just as I didn’t understand why I had to either work or take care of our sari-sari store when all kids, including my cousins, are out there playing. I didn’t understand why people looked down on me and told me I will have the same fate as my father or mother. At a certain point in my life, I felt like I was a reject. It didn’t help that my mother left me, how could I fathom the fact that even my own mother rejected me.

I guess I was a natural fighter. My self-esteem was naturally high. Early on, I knew I didn’t want to become a rejected tobacco leaf. Early on, I could look straight to the eye of my life’s circumstances and say, “I AM TOO BIG FOR YOU, YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!” I understand now that my self-esteem is the first grace of God for me. That grace never failed. Moreover, the weight of responsibility that my lola put on my shoulder has kept my feet on the ground. And I cannot thank her enough for forming me in such way. I am very proud of my childhood days! Actually, I really think I was never a child- I was just a small man. (sorry for bragging hehe!)

When I looked at the SIGLA kids, I saw in them the once me who dreamt and fought. And I wish I will have a chance to support them in their fight. It would be great to think that somehow, in my small ways, I have influenced them in their bright future. Indeed, one of the best gifts that God gives us is for us to be gifts to others.

Everybody went to Festival mall after the SIGLA outreach. We were there to wait. And it was a real long wait. But its okay. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you are doing it with friends. Don’t take that negatively hehe! What I mean is it didn’t matter that we were becoming corny that time, the important thing is our fellowship. Knowing that I was there with friends and they were with me. That was another reason to celebrate!

High school is a part of my life that simply passed by because I was impatient. I wanted to grow up faster, go to college and work. It was also when my sister died of leukemia. (had this in my previous blog, don’t wanna repeat it he!he! malungkot eh) I was with an uncle (a cousin to my father) who took me in as his son. The training that my lola gave me helped a lot during my stay with my uncle’s family. At least I knew how to clean their house, wash his cars, take care of his children and do other chores. Before I knew it, I already finished high school! Well, yeah, there were some colors during my high school years. You know, much of the “first times” happened in high school. But I rather not mention them here ha! ha!

College years were the longest years of the young me. I finished my first undergrad course from my 4th college school with my 4th course… I don’t wanna strain your eyes, I’ll share it next time…

Ah, it was a good 25 years of living. This year for sure will be better hehe! I CAN ONLY GLORIFY GOD FOR IT!

TO END, A HEARTFELT GRATITUDE TO ALL OF YOU WHO BECAME PART OF MY LIFE! EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN SO IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU!

SALAMAT SA LAHAT NG BUMATI!

to say it was great is an understatement. to say it was exhilirating is perfectly fine! i closed my eyes all the time thinking about that person i am doing it with- knowing how aware that person is of my presence- and how aware i am of that person's presence as well... there were times when i am close to tears because of the ecstasy of the experience. and when it is over, i said i want to do it again. indeed, i want to do it forever!

my new found friends from lingcod alabang exactly know what i am talking about. i'd like to believe we share the same ecstatic experience when we did our first worship prayer with the lingcod ng Panginoon alabang community. and i want to thank them for giving me the chance to worship the Lord with them.

i should acknowledge first a friend from lingkod makati who brought me along to attend the anniversary celebration of lingcod alabang. he first brought me to his own branch and my exposure to two branches made me easily see how branches, although under the same charismatic group, differs in great ways. perhaps because people are really unique, and each unique personalities make up unique branches of only one lingcod charismatic group.

it was the kind of worship i so much wanted to do. but doing it outside a charismatic community might license anyone to bring me to an asylum. i have my fair share of visiting places intended for psychologically disturbed persons and indeed, there is a bit of similarity. some of our problematic friends really worship the Lord in the same way we do in lp alabang. however, i am sure it is not their way of worshipping that brought them in the asylum. just as it is the way of lb alabang's worshiping that brought them the blessed lives they are enjoying now.

it felt good knowing how true the presence of God is in every prayer experience. at first, i realized how i have lived a life separated from God. a lot of tears come along with this realization. but along with this is the desire to spiritually go home to God, for then i've realized i so much need a savior.

yet, such experience is not as gloomy as how i put it here. it felt good crying in front of the Lord and it was great to simply voice out whatever i want to say to him. but what makes it different is i am with people who do the same. i am in communion with people who are more or less in my age-level and it's good to know that they are with me in the same boat.

however, realizing how i have lived a life away from the Lord does not stop me from continuing living in such ordeal. funny because as soon as i started worshipping with lp alabang, my sinful struggles shook me with such intensity. i felt like i was being betrayed by the Lord. but he didnt want me to entertain such thought for long. he made me realize that he is with me in the same boat that is being whipped by strong winds. he made me remember that he'd do everything to save me- sparing not even his life... and finally, to remember not to fear anything as long as i live in his love- for perfect love dispels fear and darkness.

how does it feel like doing it the first time? i'm still single and i know nothing about honeymoon but i can definitely say that it was just like a honeymoon. and i hope it would forever be a honeymoon guaranteed by the support and love of my new found friends in lingcod ng Panginoon Alabang.

LP ALABANG ROCKS!!!

BURNAY: A Reflection on God's Test

I was happy to attend the last prayer meeting of Lingcod Alabang and I was even happier to be with a group who has a lot to share for an allotted short time of sharing. I felt like the time was not enough so I can only have this blog to continue my sharing. When God really inspires, there's just no way ignoring it.

the presence of a new guest (like me) in the group prompted us to talk about God's Test. hmm, as a teacher and a psychologist, tests are not new to me...and to us all for we were once students who had to spend sleepless nights to pass them. there were also times when examinations are fun, u know, the times when we had to devise plans to pass with vengeance hehe! i am one of the guilty ones! there was one time when i had to look sick so i could ask for an excuse because i was too busy to prepare for exams. there were many other tactics but i'd rather not mention them here... lest i won't be allowed to join lingcod activities anymore! i was so guilty to graduate as cum laude.. well, life makes us naughty sometimes, doesn't it?

but is God's test really like the test that we had when we were students? u know, the usual objective of knowing whether the student have learned or not. or is it like the test given by a psychologist to determine the personality of a person.

i'd say neither.

the bible tells us that God knows us more than we know ourselves. that even before we were born he already knows and loves us. you see, he's a lot better than the most modern ultrasound! more than that, he knows how many hair strands we have and not a single hair from our head would fall without his knowledge. pretty amazing this god is. what's there about my hair that he is so concerned about? i am flattered hehe! not a single person ever gave me that attention. not even i to my self!

if God knows us so much, then what's the use of the test? why would he test me when he already knows me? if God knows how weak i am with my struggles then why would he still allow me to be tempted? he already knew that i would fall, that i would be broken and that i would be under anxiety but why would he still allow such to happen? why does he allow too much pain? what is in the mind of this God? is he simply a sadist?

before you become irritated with my choice of words and before you call me a blasphemer let me introduce to you another concept of a test.

in my province, especially in vigan, we make "burnay" or clay vase/pot. burnay's simplicity makes it elegant and truly a work of art. however, the process of making it is not as simple as its look. ilokanos had to search for the best soil, had to process the soil and had to manually mold it. but wait there is more (borrowed line from bro. luke), and here comes the second concept of a test, the new burnay had to be tested in heat for many hours. then it would be ready for export.

what happens after burnays are tested with heat? amazingly, they'll have their unique character and beauty. some becomes hard as quality necessitates, some cracks and still others would look deformed. it is important to note (sounding like a real thesis) that the deformed ones become the most expensive ones because their unique look can never be copied manually or by any modern technology.

and i would like to believe that God's test is like that. our God necessarily allows us to be tested not for him to know if we could pass but for us to become our best. for us to become stronger... and for us to become a real testament of His unique beauty. if not for our test then we would never be able to live up to His calling for us. if not for our struggles and pain we would never be strong enough to be His child and servant. if we will not be wounded then we will never see how he himself was wounded and even died for us all.

i have a lot of deformities. God has given me a lot of tests that left me with many scars. but these scars do not give me shame. on the contrary, it is them that makes me a beautiful and priceless child of God. and i cannot thank him enough for all the struggles that i had, and for all the struggles that will still come. All praise and glory be to Him!

Lenten Reflection on Life and Death

"from ash, you will go back to ash; you will die"

life and death are the biggest mysteries of this world. we did not choose to be born, nor do we choose how to die- not unless we commit suicide, of course.

what do i know about life and death? nothing much but my own experience of it. let me share...

i came from a very dysfunctional family. my father and mother were branded as black sheeps of their own family. not that i believe in black sheeps. black sheep for me is the product, or rather victim, of failed relationships between husbands and wives. so i looked at my parents as victims of their own circumstances. to cut the story short, there is this black sheep impregnating another black sheep at their high school age. the result, dysfunctional family.

my father was imprisoned before i started going to school and my mother abandoned us. i and my siblings were separated, given to the care of our relatives. ate annalyn, my favorite sister, is the only sibling i grew up with. she was my idea of a family. all my dreams included her. she became my security... and perhaps, she regarded me as such too... i adored her- she is the first subject of my love.

tatay went out of the prison during my elementary graduation. ex-convicts are full of hope, they wanted a new life, they wanted to change. after marching with me during my graduation, he took all my sibling and yes, he found my mother too. he wanted to take care of his family again.

and he did...

for a while.

my father learned everything that happened during his stay in jail. he learned how unfaithful his wife was and this changed him. he became a drunkard, always looking for troubles with tambays in our place. worst of all, he forgot about his earlier desire of taking care of his family. my mother became a buttered wife, and we were physically abused too. i hated those years. no, i cursed them. there were times when my sister and i needed to run and hide in the bushes along the river banks. i wasn't able to fight for her, i was 12 years old.

my mother, escapist as she is, left our family again and looked for another husband. i said i'd be strong enough for it. and i think i did. but everything took its toll to the person i love, my ate annalyn started to become sick. her sickness complicated and advanced and finally became leukemia. i dreaded that word- leukemia. it is the scariest term ever in my vocabulary.

but my sister was strong. she was a fighter. we both had to go to clinic everyday for her vaccination. the needle that pricked her hardened arms became her only source of physical strength. she told me everyday not to worry for God won't let her die. her signature laugh, still vivid in my memory, assured me that nothing wrong could happen to her... or i was just looking for even a slightest relief from what she was going through.

i remembered how we loved singing and laughing together. i had a very boyish voice then so we would belt out songs of houston, carrey, dion and others hehe! those were the times when her body allowed her to sit and stand a bit. but those moments had to go every after chemotherapy, then i had to endure looking at her balding head. despite her thin body and pale color, her big eyes- so much like mine, is full of life... and perhaps, hope.

the worst part of her suffering is the fact that she had no family. the only support that could have given her at least a relief, or strength to fight, was the very thing her unlucky life circumstance denied her.. my mother wasn't there although she knew her daughter might die. my father chose to go away for he couldn't stand looking at my sister's sick body. Ate Annalyn was nursed by my tita. it was so hard not to feel her sufferrings. for many times i wished they were mine. i desperately asked God to just spare my sister and give me everything that she had to go through.

it was sweet to take care of her. i treasured those moments. but i felt like dying every time i had to bring her to the toilet because she couldn't do it alone. it was so hard to fight back tears every time i changed her clothes. i didn't want to show her a sad face, i cant afford to let her see my own miseries. the misery of seeing her body wither day after day...

she fought back until the end. she repeatedly told me that she still had to fulfill her dreams. she told me that God would not allow her to die. i begged her to fight too. that i'd die if she'l leave me. i was in third year high school. a part of her body gave up, wasn't strong enough for the medications. and then, she left me... i was never to see her big eyes again, or listen to her songs again, or enjoy her laughter again..

i was totally blank. i didn't believe everything that was happening. until i saw her body in her casket. for a while, i was angry at her telling her "andaya mo 'te, sabi mo walang iwanan..." (hey! you said you won't leave me) ...

i hated God. i hated him for taking away the only person i truly loved. i remembered how every day i told him to give my sister the comfort that could only come from him. i felt like He didn't love me, i felt like i had no God.

one time, since i was studying in a Catholic school, i was forced to attend the First Friday mass sponsored by my school. i wasn't listening to the mass. i repeatedly said that the mass, and everything we believed in, are simply jokes.

i couldn't believe it but during that Mass, i heard (in the most physical way) God telling me that he just answered my prayer. that he just gave my sister the comfort she most needed that could only come from him.

i don't know if i was hallucinating...

or i was just talking to myself...

but i didn't care. for by then, i understood-

my sister isn't dead- she just went home to the Father. and although i wont see her again in this life, she will forever be in my heart. for now, it is better for her to stay with God who loves her more than i do. Indeed, what is death but a reward of God's kingdom, A WELCOME GIFT TO OUR FATHER'S HAND.

going back to our introductory question- what is life and death. obviously, they are GIFTS OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER. and my sister, good as she is, enjoyed those gift. so shall all of us who have faith in Him for He loves us more than we love Him. Amen.